I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
do herpes really smell.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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