I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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