when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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