Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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