if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
