now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
