hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
