You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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