Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
