Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
