I can tuck mytits in my pants
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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