Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
