things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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