Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
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