I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
