apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
