I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
