she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
