do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
