she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
