i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
