When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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