cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
