we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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