I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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