This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
