Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
