dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
