I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
