Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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