you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
