I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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