I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
God I need to hump something, right now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
