So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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