how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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