dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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