I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
