I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
