so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
