I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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