I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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