Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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