Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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