Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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