Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
