Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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