Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
