I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
