Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
