when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
