Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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