I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
