I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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