I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
