Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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