I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
