My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
