So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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