Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
